June 11, 2009

Breaking The Twilight Of A New Moon's Eclipse

As promised yesterday I am going to load up the FAIL gun and take a shot at the Twilight series. I have planned a 5-point rant. If you like this series in any way then please DO NOT read this, or you will be angry, then hunt me down and beat me to death with a copy of Twilight.... the paperback edition.

1. The Plot- Teenage girl hates step-dad. She moves to Spoons or some shit with her real dad. She arrives at generic high school, and instantly everyone likes her, and all she can say is: 'Oh, no, I'm no one special please I don't deserve such attention'. Then she meets beautiful "vampire" Edward Cullen. Then there's an attempted rape scene, some fight with someone or another, then they sparkle happily ever after.

2. The "Vampires"- So apparently in this piece of glorified fan fiction no previous vampire lore is FALSE, and "vampires" sparkle in the sun instead of bursting into flames. Also apparently all female "vampires" are sluts, and all the male "vampires" are teenage sweethearts every girl wants to be with. And they have fucking venom. WHAT THE FUCK?! And possibly the worst part: THE FANGIRLS CONSIDER THESE SPARKLY FAGGOTS TO BE REAL FUCKING VAMPIRES!!!!!

3. Bella- Stephenie Meyer is a 46 year old woman, and she did NOT right a seventeen-year-old girl, she wrote a 46-year-old women. Bella does things a 46-year-old would like, she listens to music a 46-year-old woman would like. I guess all I'm trying to say is: STEPHENIE MEYER CAN'T WRITE WORTH A DAMN!!!

4. THEY MADE A FUCKING MOVIE?!- Why?! WHY!!!??? This is the worst possible book you could adapt to film. Because the book breaks the golden rule of creative writing: SHOW DON'T TELL!!!! So this movie really should have been Bella standing there telling you everything.

5. The Fangirls- These bitches are fucking crazy!!!!

Well that's all. I hope I've furrowed a few brows, and made some people lol.

That's us for now.

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